


Bad Apples

by Far_Away_From_Sane



Series: Stray Kids [4]
Category: K-pop, Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Crying, Emetophobia, Fear of Germs, Felix is afraid of vomiting, Fluff and Angst, Friendship, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Kim Seungmin-centric, Phobias, Please read with caution, Seungmin and Minho can be read however you want, Seungmin makes himself throw up, Vomiting, kind of, not very descriptive, protective Stray Kids
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-23
Updated: 2018-12-23
Packaged: 2019-09-25 04:32:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,894
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17114537
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Far_Away_From_Sane/pseuds/Far_Away_From_Sane
Summary: Seungmin's afraid of germs, then one bad apple comes along and ruins everything.or Seungmin's afraid of germs, eats an unwashed apple, and makes himself throw up





	Bad Apples

**Author's Note:**

> Some Seungmin angst! I wrote this prompt down a long time ago and then I just never got around to writing it but now I finally did it!  
> It's currently 4:20 am here where I live so please have some mercy on my mistakes >_<  
> Hope you enjoy!

 

 

Seungmin has always been a bit of a clean freak, he’s someone who’ll always make his bed in the morning, change his sheets regularly, brush his teeth three times a day, dust the shelves more times than necessary, roll his shirts free of dust and change his pillowcase every two days.

 

He was raised quite strict, at least when it came to cleaning, they’d have a big family day every Saturday where they’d clean the entire house top to bottom until it was spotless, Seungmin knew more cleaning tricks than any other kid in 3rd grade. But no one ever thought the act of keeping things clean would resonate with the boy to such extent as it did, and no one expected it to become as big of a problem as it did when it all first started.

 

He became more strict with the way thing were in his room and around the house, he had to sleep on sheets that he knew were clean and eat with chopsticks he knew no one else had eaten with before. It worked for him as long as he was home, but as soon as he left the house he was in unknown territory where anything could happen.

 

Once, in 6th grade, he was invited to a slumber party to celebrate his classmate’s birthday and this kid that was in Seungmin’s math class- the one that never stopped tapping his pen against his desk- spilled soda (that he’d been drinking out of) all over Seungmin’s pillowcase rendering it a sticky, pink-tinted, wet mess, which meant that he couldn’t sleep on it. Which also meant that Seungmin would either have to sleep on the bare pillow -absolutely not- or borrow a pillowcase from his classmate- not a chance-  which he knew he could never do, he physically couldn’t put himself through that. And when it became clear to him that he wouldn’t be able to solve his problem, when he realized and that he was stuck at some other person’s house without something to sleep on, his anxiety developed into a full-blown panic attack and they had to call his dad to come pick him up.

 

This incident led to some well-needed therapy that, despite what people may think, didn’t get rid of his fear of germs and break all patterns he’d created for himself, but it certainly helped alleviate some of his struggles and it made him more tolerable to the point where he no longer fears sharing chopsticks with someone else or sleeping on a pillowcase that isn’t his. However, don’t misunderstand, he still very much hates doing so, but he tolerates it now.

 

Yet there are some things that he absolutely cannot and never will tolerate, and that is unwashed fruits and vegetables. That’s worse than any old pillowcase, even sharing a popsicle with someone is preferable to eating an unwashed apple because at least he knows where the popsicle has been, but he has no way of knowing where the apple has been or whose held it previous to him picking it up.

 

Seungmin can’t imagine what it would have been like had he ended up in some macho group with too much to prove, some group filled with boys who think focusing on your mental health is bullshit and if you’re afraid of unwashed fruit you’re weak-minded and not  _ man _ enough. Lord knows Seungmin’s met some bad apples (both literally and figuratively) throughout his trainee days and not a day goes by where he’s not thankful that Chan saw something in him and chose him to be in his group.

 

He’s so grateful for his members, even when he comes home to see Jeongin occupying his bed still in his jeans and hoodie that he’s worn all day, or when someone’s used his razor in the bathroom and there are mall hair on the sink, because he knows that they never do it with the intention of making him uncomfortable or hurting him. They tease him about it but they always know their limits as well as Seungmin’s limits, know what they can and can’t do.

 

Which is why Seungmin trusts them wholeheartedly with pretty much everything. Chan has never once forgotten to wash the vegetables before making a salad at home, he has also never forgotten to tell Seungmin that he’s washed them before setting them on the table. And whenever Minho’s left small lunchboxes with snacks made for the school kids in the fridge he’s never once forgotten to put a sticky note on Seungmin’s to tell him ‘my hands were squeaky clean’ or ‘I polished the pears all morning just for you’.

 

With Seungmin no longer going to therapy because of his busy schedule he hasn’t gotten any better, nor has things become easier for him, but because his members have been so kind, so understanding, and so accommodating, it’s been manageable for the time being. Yet Seungmin wishes he could be as carefree as Woojin who barely looks at what he’s holding before he stuffs it into his mouth, or as flippant as Changbin who simply asks if the fruit has been washed, and if it hasn’t he does it himself without a hassle and without ending up on the floor struggling to breathe.

 

When he thinks about it, not much has changed from when he was younger. Things have certainly become easier and he’s not as extreme as he used to be, but he’s still only comfortable at  _ home _ , the definition of ‘home’ may have changed but it still means the same to him. It used to be a place, a building, where he felt safe, where he knew things would be okay and where he knew no one would mess with his chopsticks or pillowcases. Now, home has turned into his members, wherever they go he follows, and whenever he’s with them he’s at home. When he’s with them he doesn’t mind that the chopsticks in his hand were, mere seconds ago, in Jeongin’s mouth, and he doesn’t mind that his face mask is currently stuck on Hyunjin’s face as he rests before their next performance.

 

But he can’t control everything that goes around him and neither can any of his friends. He can only do so much to make sure things go his way but quite frankly, the rest is up to their managers and all the others around them. He can make sure that he himself washes his hands and that the rest of the members do as well, but he can’t force the coordi noonas to sterilize their hands with alcohol in-between touching him and all the makeup products or their phones, he also can’t be sure that every surface has been wiped clean before he sits or rests against it, nor that every handle he touches is, in fact, clean and not littered with nasty germs. 

 

Chan has told their management countless times about Seungmin’s  _ problem _ with germs (they laughed at the word phobia) only to be waved away with a heartless ‘tell him to get over it’. 

 

Seungmin’s well aware of the fact that he’s got a problem, that a little fear is good but too much is detrimental to one's health, he knows it’s not normal by any means to be as afraid of germs as he is and that normal people don’t panic if they find out they forgot to wash the grapes before popping one into their mouth, they simply wash the rest of them and make a mental note of remembering it for next time. 

 

At least he thought that’s what everyone did, but he was proved wrong one unforgettable afternoon, in a dressing room where they were winding down from performing only minutes earlier. 

 

Their manager Hodong enters the room with a bag full of mixed fruits which he sets down on the floor in the middle of the room, “get some energy into you, boys, it’ll be a while until dinner,” and as soon as he leaves the room Felix slides across the floor and gets his hands on the bag first, that way he can get the best fruit and let the others grab the slightly unripe fruit while he digs into the ripe and juicy ones.

 

He picks up a red apple, a green one, and a clementine to top it all off, winking at Seungmin he takes a big bite out of the red apple and says with his mouth fall, “the cle’en’ines ‘r in a sep’re ba’” Seungmin barely understands a word of it but Chan nudges is arm and points to the bag, “he’s saying the clementines are in a separate bag,” when Felix nods his head excitedly Seungmin shakes his own, amused by the antics of the Aussies who seem to have weird moments were only they understand each other. 

 

Jeongin reaches into the bag and pulls out a banana only to recoil by the sight of the side of the banana, the side of it is open and leaking brown goo that certainly doesn’t belong anywhere near the other fruits. Seungmin feels himself freeze up when he sees it, his stomach churning both from hunger and disgust. “It’s only in the separate bag, hyung, the apples and pears are still untouched,” Jeongin affirms, eyes widening when he sees Seungmin’s distress.

 

“You sure?” Seungmin questions, fingers pinching his thigh to keep calm, “absolutely, hyung, as long as you avoid the bag with bananas you’re fine,” when their eyes meet Seungmin sees the unabashed honesty in Jeongin’s eyes and feels some of the tension in his body lessened. He hasn’t touched the fruit yet so there’s no way he’s been in contact with the germs from the contaminated banana, but he’s hungry and really wants an apple so he wants to make sure that he can still get something to eat; Seungmin trusts Jeongin with his life but his anxiety trusts no one so he’s got no choice but to ask twice, thankfully his members have by know learned to not feel ffended by it.

 

Chan reaches over and grabs a hold of the hand that’s still pinching his thigh and moves it away, he rubs his thumb over the back of Seungmin’s hand and Seungmin welcomes the touch wholeheartedly. “Want me to grab an apple for you, Minnie?” Hyunjin asks as he slides past them heading straight for the bag, but as much as Seungmin’s enjoying the touch of Chan he wants to pick his fruit out for himself, just to be on the safe side, so he shakes his head and stands up from his seat.

 

“No, I’ll do it,” reaching into the bag he sees the separate bag with the clementines and the bananas and almost removes his hand,  _ no, you can do this, just don’t touch the bag and you’ll be fine. _ Reaching down he picks up a red apple that looks fine and doesn’t feel soft in any spots, satisfied with his choice he goes back to his seat and grabs a napkin from his backpack, wiping the apple with it calmly he takes his time to check it over for any brown goo that might have leaked from the banana.

 

Finding none he lets out a sigh of relief and throws the napkin in the trash, with one last look at it he takes a big bite and savors the sweet taste of the apple. Silence fills the room as everyone digs into their own fruits, filling up their empty stomachs with as much as they can until they can get some real food into them.

 

Just then Hodong returns with a packet of napkins, a water bottle,  and a slightly apologetic expression, “sorry boys, Inseong forgot to wash the apples and pears, but I got you some stuff so you can do it yourself, I’d send you to the toilets to do it but the water’s still not working right,” Hodong misses the way the temperature in the room seems to drop and the air seems to thicken, but he doesn’t miss when Seungmin’s grip on his apple loosens and the fruit falls to the ground.

 

“Seungmin-ah-” Woojin reaches for the younger boy with a tentative hand to try and ease the tremors going through his body but Seungmin barely hears him,  _ oh- oh my god, it wasn’t washed, the apple wasn’t washed, I’m- I’m _ .

 

“Seungmin-ah,” Chan moves closer and places a careful hand on Seungmin’s thigh to get his attention, “Seungmin-ah-” he repeats but Seungmin quickly slaps his hand away and shakes his head. “It wasn’t washed, hyung, it wasn’t washed!” Jisung flinches at the loudness of Seungmin’s voice and looks with wide eyes at Minho for guidance, in all the years they’ve been together as a team something like this has never happened and they’re very unprepared for it.

 

_ How could Hodong hyung have been so stupid?  _ Minho thinks bitterly, thinking back to all the times he’s overheard Chan talking to them about Seungmin’s fear of germs and what specific things he’s especially afraid of, all of that time spent on trying to get them to understand gone to waste.

 

“I’m sorry Minnie, I should have asked about it,” Chan mumbles guiltily, expression pained as he takes in how Seungmin’s breathing hitches and his left hand begins to rub his stomach, “I’m gonna be sick, hyung, I’m gonna be sick,” his voice wavers and his hands shake more harshly than before, only a few people have seen him this way before and that’s Minho, Chan, and his family, but even for them this is new territory as something this serious has never happened before.

 

He knows he’s worrying them, probably even scaring a few of them, but he doesn’t feel in control anymore, his anxiety is taking over and his body is moving on its own accord. “You’re not gonna be sick, Minnie, you’ve only taken one bite and you even wiped the apple before you ate it,” Chan tells him, voice straightforward and genuine, Seungmin appreciates the effort but he wishes Chan would understand that he’s not actually worried about getting sick from a bug or a virus, no, Seungmin knows he’s going to be sick because it’s the only way this icky feeling will leave him.

 

“No  I-I need-” Seungmin slaps a hand over his mouth and squeezes his eyes shut, his mouth waters at the same times as his eyes do and all the sensations attacking his body are making him feel worse with every second that passes. “Seungm-” 

 

“Bin, I need a bin,” shooting out of his seat Seungmin drags himself across the room towards the trashcan, leaning over the bin he knows what has to be done and before anyone can stop him he shoves two fingers down his throat,  _ deep. _

 

The effect is almost immediate, his nausea and anxiety already having him sensitive enough his fingers are the last straw and he begins to hack up the bite he took, “-the hell!” Minho grabs the hand that’s stuck in Seungmin’s mouth and pulls it out not caring one bit about the vomit he gets on his own hands. “Fuck,” he mutters as Seungmin dry heaves, furiously trying to get whatever’s left in his stomach to come up but without the help of his fingers his lunch stays down.

 

“Stop, Seungmin-ah, stop,” Minho’s well aware of how desperate he sounds but it’s simply a reflection of how desperate he feels as he looks at his younger friend forcing himself to through up for no reason other than out of fear.

 

“Jeongin-ah get Felix out of here,” Minho hears Chan order somewhere in the background and he realizes what a shitty situation this is as he remembers that Felix is terrified of vomiting even when it’s someone else, “someone get me a towel!” Minho barks at no one in particular and in a matter of seconds Hyunjin’s pressing one into the hand that isn’t covered in vomit and saliva.

 

“Minnie,” Hyunjin mumbles solemnly and Minho doesn’t even have to look at him to know that he’s crying, Hyunjin’s always been an easy crier but his time Minho can’t blame him; the only reason Minho isn’t crying is because he’s still holding up Seungmin who’s still trying to make himself throw up, he’ll cry when Seungmin’s been taken care of.

“Nothing’s c-coming up,” Seungmin cries, finally realizing that his efforts are fruitless and only making his body hurt, “that’s because you’re not sick,” Minho doesn’t try to sugar coat the truth like he knows some of the others would because this isn’t a situation that would gain anything from that, he needs Seungmin to understand that he’s doing this to himself, needs him to know that what he’s doing is crazy. And he’ll tell him exactly that even if it hurts to hear.

 

“You’re making yourself sick because you’re scared, Min, but you’re  _ not _ sick. I know you hate it when I tell you this but it’s all in your head,” Seungmin straightens up from where he’s bent over the bin and when Minho gets a good look at his face he almost wishes he could take back his words, almost. “It doesn't m-mean that it isn’t r-real, hyung,” Minho sacrifices his own pants as he wipes his dirty hand on them before beginning to wipe away the spit and vomit and tears from Seungmin’s face with the clean, untouched, towel, “I know, Min. I know it’s real, okay, I’ve never doubted that” Seungmin shudders and sucks in a shaking breath.

 

“All I’m saying is that because this is all rooted up in here,” he points a finger to Seungmin’s forehead and taps it, “we can get you help, we can make this better,” he doesn’t tell him that they can fix him, even though he wishes he could, but he knows this is something that Seungmin will live with forever. A phobia doesn’t just disappear.

 

But hopefully, they might be able to transform it from a phobia into a fear, into only a minor inconvenience that won’t make Seungmin shove his fingers down his throat again. “Like therapy?” Seungmin whispers, voice filled with insecurity, and to save Seungmin the embarrassment Minho simply nods as if they’re talking about how the weather has indeed been getting chillier lately, “yeah, like therapy.”

 

Turning his head Seungmin looks towards Chan who’s stayed back throughout the whole ordeal to let Minho deal with it as he knows that the younger boy has a way of getting through to Seungmin that Chanw ill never be able to understand, “is… is that possible, hyung?” Chan knows it won’t be easy, not the part where he needs to talk to their management and set up the appointments, no, that’s the easy part. But what comes afterward is what has him worried, the journey of getting better. He knows Seungmin will most likely be taken off of ASC and be put on a hiatus from the group as he focuses on getting better, which in no way bothers Chan, but he knows how Seungmin will feel, restless and useless. Stuck, is perhaps a good word for it.

 

However, the hope in Seungmin’s eyes has Chan pushing away any negative thoughts from his head and sending a small smile toward the sniffling boy, “of course, Seungminnie, of course we’ll make it happen, right hyung?” Hodong’s not expecting the question and he fumbles with his words, wide yes shooting between the young leader and the even younger boy in question. 

 

He settles for a nod, hoping that it’ll be enough to settle Seungmin for now and for him to stop looking so damn hurt because it’s messing with Hodong’s heart. He feels a pang of overwhelming guilt filling him as he remembers the countless times Chan has told him about Seungmin’s problem- phobia- yet he’s done nothing about it. 

Now that he’s seen it in action he wishes he could turn back the time and set up a meeting with a therapist as soon as Chan first mentioned it to him, that way they could have avoided this entire situation and trauma that’s bound to follow after seeing one of the youngest boys forcing himself to throw up, harsh fingers digging into his throat.

 

“See? We’ll get you some help, Minnie,” Minho tells him with a grin that doesn’t entirely reach his eyes, not that Seungmin can tell with all the tears clouding his vision. “Okay,” he mumbles, voice small and nervous yet filled with immense gratitude.

 

“I’m sorry I-”

 

“None of that,” Woojin interrupts, placing a gentle hand on the small of Seungmin’s back, less careful now that Seungmin doesn’t seem like he’s about to freak out or start swinging at any moment, “there’s no need for that, let’s just focus on what’s to come, okay?” that sounds good to Seungmin.

 

Even though he feels guilty for scaring them, especially Felix who must have left the room at some point, he doesn’t want to focus on what just transpired, he doesn’t want what he did to get stuck in his head and fuck with him. He made himself throw up in a moment of absolute panic, it happened, it sucked, and he hated every moment of it, but there’s no use in getting hung up on it. He’s not going to do it again -logically he knows it’s not a promise he can make as he never made the active choice to do it in the first place, his anxiety did, but it feels good to tell himself that anyway- and he’s gonna get some help as he did all those years ago. He’s gonna get better, and he won’t be doing it alone.

 

Couldn’t even if he wanted to, he’s stuck with these people whether he likes it or not, “hell yeah you are,” Jisung peeps up, still looking a bit nervous, and Seungmin realizes he spoke aloud. His cheeks flame up and he lowers his gaze in embarrassment, “you scared the crap out of me, I’m not gonna lie,” Jisung tells him, ignoring the harsh jab Changbin gives him, and Seungmin feels the guilt from before creeping up on him, “-but I’m not gonna leave, none of us are,” he continues, eyes wide and honest and it warms Seungmin’s heart.

 

A moment of silence passes where Seungmin isn’t sure if he’s supposed to say something or if the conversation has come to an end but he doesn’t have to wait for long as Jisung chooses to speak once more, “or... I mean, Felix might but that’s like...a whole different story and you know-”

 

“Oh, shut up,” Changbin mutters half-heartedly and just like that the last bit of suffocating tension loosens and Seungmin feels like he can finally breathe again, a grin makes its way onto his face and he feels a weight being lifted off of his shoulders, even if the relief is only temporary (Seungmin knows the road ahead of him isn’t going to be easy) he revels in it. Revels in the way his heart doesn’t feel quite as heavy as it did before and his body not as stiff, and for a second he lets himself dream, dream of a time in the future where his fear won’t rule him. But maybe, just maybe, the future is closer than he thinks.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> If you enjoyed that then please leave a comment because comments are my fuel and what keeps me motivated chu~
> 
> Also, if you have any suggestions or something you want me to write then don't hesitate to leave a comment, your prompts really save my writing when my imagination has run out xD
> 
> Have a lovely day/night/morning/afternoon <3


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